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venting - and the odds.. all seem stacked.

Dec. 18th, 2006 01:15 pm venting9 comments - Leave a commentPrevious Entry Share Next Entry


Date:December 24th, 2006 01:26 am (UTC)

tears fall on this stupid keyboard...

i hate myself, lee.
i haven't expressed myself in the right way. you know that's what i suck at best.
i obviously still care.
otherwise i wouldn't bother to tell you how much i hate you.
now i'm the crazy one.
i don't know how to say what i wanted to say. i'm not good with emotions. i'm fucked up. especially when i'm angry and/or hurt.
all i know is: i just want to die.
and i still miss you. i miss you so fucking much it hurts! i hurt every fucking day. you're the only one i've ever trusted with EVERYTHING. my heart, my emotions. you're the only one i let myself openly cry with...
and i'm retarded for writing this.
fuck. snot is dripping from my nose.
-the end-
Date:December 24th, 2006 09:42 am (UTC)

don't cry, everything will be alright...

I don't know what you want to express to me...
you have lots & lots of reasons to be hurt. I didn't do so many things right.
but. that's not really a good reason to act the way you have.
you're not retarded. I want you to know that I never, ever thought that.
I've missed you too.
even when you were calling me names & stuff. I missed you.
which kinda sucks. I wanted to hate you.
but I can't.
I just can't.
I hope your chanukkah has gone well, the eight crazy nights of fuel... hehe.
it would be nice to hear from you again...
if you'll talk to an asshole like me.
don't cry, why are you crying? please don't die. I would cry oceans.
you just don't know.
Date:December 24th, 2006 07:18 pm (UTC)

nothing's all right...

no, you won't care when i die.
you'll probably laugh and say "hah, that idiot who thought i actually cared is gone."
i cried so much last night. i almost hurt myself really bad. i missed you a lot. i was thinking about the good qualities you have and missed them. i missed how you were when we first met. when i didn't know ho much you lied.
i would talk to you...but i thought about it as i almost fucked myself up...i don't hate myself, really. i just hate that i was so easily manipulated and did so many people wrong and let myself be influenced SO much.
but what it comes down to is: i can't trust you. you say you've changed over and over...but in the end you prove that you really haven't changed much. you are still lying to people. still vindictive. maybe you don't even realize it. i want to believe that. i want to believe that you don't realize that your motives are really fucked up. but even if that's true, it doesn't take away how much things hurt.
so, it's probably better that i just forget you.
Date:December 25th, 2006 03:30 am (UTC)

Re: nothing's all right...

yeah, right. of course I won't care. I'm not HUMAN.
I don't know what you want. & I don't care.
well, you don't shit flowers.