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venting - and the odds.. all seem stacked.

Dec. 18th, 2006 01:15 pm venting9 comments - Leave a commentPrevious Entry Share Next Entry


Date:December 19th, 2006 07:05 pm (UTC)

Re: i hate you...

what the fuck??? what lies were it based on? that you cared about me? please. I'm not lying now, what am I lying about?
whatever. you feel like shit, & it is all too easy to blame that on me.
like blaming ME for the badness that is your life.
you 'hate' me?
then why do you love me?
I am not a piece of shit. neither are you. I am not manipulative. fuck.
& how do you 'know' when I'm lying, or not? you haven't spoken to me in how long? you have all this righteousness. let us not forget that no one in this world is INNOCENT.
yes, that includes you.
but if you feel like putting me down like you did Jo (which is what you're doing), that's fine. I understand.
anything to distance yourself from something you actually care about.
you actually feel.
it was not based on lies. it WAS NOT.
so fuck you for that.
fuck you very much.
Date:December 20th, 2006 10:42 pm (UTC)

Re: i hate you...

yeah, o.k. remember when we started out and you told me that you and vanessa were in an "OPEN" relationship...
that was bullshit.
and then you and vanessa stopped screwing when you and i got together...
just a couple of examples.
so FUCK YOU very much.
Date:December 20th, 2006 11:10 pm (UTC)

Re: i hate you...

yes, that's true. I had no idea what you would become to me when I told you that. I had no idea at all. & then what was I supposed to do when I realized that I might actually have a chance with you...? tell you that? in hindsight, I probably should have. I should have. what can I do about that now? it was a mistake I have paid for, over & over.
I felt like I owed her something. not that that excuses it. but if she couldn't have my heart, or my money, or time, or attention....
it doesn't matter why I did what I did, I guess.
Date:December 21st, 2006 10:07 am (UTC)

Re: i hate you...

well. i was upset at you at that moment. i did seem crazy. but you don't communicate. you hold shit in like this stuff, until it is too late & there is little to be done about it.
well, yes I did say that about jesse. but people's minds can change, can't they? & I was never really good at the poly-thing, back then. I liked you too much for that.
I don't know anything, I guess. I was this awful person & I wasn't meaning to be. I am not desperate, pathetic... & I am not lying now. I have lied in the past, yes. I know that.
when is giving up on someone you care about okay?
what if someone really does want to change? what if someone has lost everything to learn everything?
because you do care.
I have done things wrong. but this is a learning experience. for me, at least.
thank you for being happy that I stepped on the mouthpiece.
that's just super.
I mean, you think I don't know what I've done?
or can you pontificate more on the matter?
oh wait, don't bother.
if you hate me so much, stop writing back.
stop writing about me,
stop wondering why you care.
care, or don't.
I did things wrong, I'm no angel.
but. nevermind.
snow falls on cedars quietlee, & you're not hearing me.