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venting - and the odds.. all seem stacked.

Dec. 18th, 2006 01:15 pm venting

yes, I agree. venting is venting. so, if that holds true for you, can it not hold true for others? I can change my mind.
I admit I have made mistakes. there is no innocent person on this planet.
all I can say is that I'm learning from my missteps, & that I am human.
but I am not the liar I was before I met you. you don't even know.
not that this will change your thinking at all, I know you're far too stubborn for that.
I'm saying this to remind myself, because when you & your friends gang up on me, messaging my friends "not to trust Lee", & things like this, it kind of gets to me.
& you'll say "well, you went & talked to Jesse about me..." & I tell you, I didn't start that. I never had the intention of turning anyone against ANYONE. I was hurt about the things he said you said. So I said some things you said. that was wrong. but I was venting. however...
my blog I posted on myspace was NOT for public dissemination. I had you on my preferred list by accident. that, however did not give you the right to share what it said with other people. or show them the blog. if i wanted THEM to read it, I would include them on my list.
I knew they had heard about it at least because there were key phrases repeated. I'm not sure which one happened.
but I was venting something that I was told were said by you.
I am more than allowed to vent my feelings, as you have told me you are.
you are better off by yourself, & so am I.
everything happens for a reason, I know.
this is not an obsession Lindsey, I've got so many other things going on.
good luck with all the stuff you're doing. I hope you get the things you're after.
maybe we can meet on some middle ground & at least be civil.

Current Location: san anselmo
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: lou reed

9 comments - Leave a commentPrevious Entry Share Next Entry


Date:December 19th, 2006 05:29 pm (UTC)

i hate you...

you're still a manipulative liar.

and a piece of shit.

and a hypocrite.

our whole relationship was built on lies. and then you stopped lying so much. and now you're back to it.

so, fine. you're a liar. why do i care? i shouldn't. i hate you.
Date:December 19th, 2006 07:05 pm (UTC)

Re: i hate you...

what the fuck??? what lies were it based on? that you cared about me? please. I'm not lying now, what am I lying about?
whatever. you feel like shit, & it is all too easy to blame that on me.
like blaming ME for the badness that is your life.
you 'hate' me?
then why do you love me?
I am not a piece of shit. neither are you. I am not manipulative. fuck.
& how do you 'know' when I'm lying, or not? you haven't spoken to me in how long? you have all this righteousness. let us not forget that no one in this world is INNOCENT.
yes, that includes you.
but if you feel like putting me down like you did Jo (which is what you're doing), that's fine. I understand.
anything to distance yourself from something you actually care about.
you actually feel.
it was not based on lies. it WAS NOT.
so fuck you for that.
fuck you very much.
Date:December 20th, 2006 10:42 pm (UTC)

Re: i hate you...

yeah, o.k. remember when we started out and you told me that you and vanessa were in an "OPEN" relationship...
that was bullshit.
and then you and vanessa stopped screwing when you and i got together...
just a couple of examples.
so FUCK YOU very much.
Date:December 20th, 2006 11:10 pm (UTC)

Re: i hate you...

yes, that's true. I had no idea what you would become to me when I told you that. I had no idea at all. & then what was I supposed to do when I realized that I might actually have a chance with you...? tell you that? in hindsight, I probably should have. I should have. what can I do about that now? it was a mistake I have paid for, over & over.
I felt like I owed her something. not that that excuses it. but if she couldn't have my heart, or my money, or time, or attention....
it doesn't matter why I did what I did, I guess.
Date:December 21st, 2006 10:07 am (UTC)

Re: i hate you...

well. i was upset at you at that moment. i did seem crazy. but you don't communicate. you hold shit in like this stuff, until it is too late & there is little to be done about it.
well, yes I did say that about jesse. but people's minds can change, can't they? & I was never really good at the poly-thing, back then. I liked you too much for that.
I don't know anything, I guess. I was this awful person & I wasn't meaning to be. I am not desperate, pathetic... & I am not lying now. I have lied in the past, yes. I know that.
when is giving up on someone you care about okay?
what if someone really does want to change? what if someone has lost everything to learn everything?
because you do care.
I have done things wrong. but this is a learning experience. for me, at least.
thank you for being happy that I stepped on the mouthpiece.
that's just super.
I mean, you think I don't know what I've done?
or can you pontificate more on the matter?
oh wait, don't bother.
if you hate me so much, stop writing back.
stop writing about me,
stop wondering why you care.
care, or don't.
I did things wrong, I'm no angel.
but. nevermind.
snow falls on cedars quietlee, & you're not hearing me.
Date:December 24th, 2006 01:26 am (UTC)

tears fall on this stupid keyboard...

i hate myself, lee.
i haven't expressed myself in the right way. you know that's what i suck at best.
i obviously still care.
otherwise i wouldn't bother to tell you how much i hate you.
now i'm the crazy one.
i don't know how to say what i wanted to say. i'm not good with emotions. i'm fucked up. especially when i'm angry and/or hurt.
all i know is: i just want to die.
and i still miss you. i miss you so fucking much it hurts! i hurt every fucking day. you're the only one i've ever trusted with EVERYTHING. my heart, my emotions. you're the only one i let myself openly cry with...
and i'm retarded for writing this.
fuck. snot is dripping from my nose.
-the end-
Date:December 24th, 2006 09:42 am (UTC)

don't cry, everything will be alright...

I don't know what you want to express to me...
you have lots & lots of reasons to be hurt. I didn't do so many things right.
but. that's not really a good reason to act the way you have.
you're not retarded. I want you to know that I never, ever thought that.
I've missed you too.
even when you were calling me names & stuff. I missed you.
which kinda sucks. I wanted to hate you.
but I can't.
I just can't.
I hope your chanukkah has gone well, the eight crazy nights of fuel... hehe.
it would be nice to hear from you again...
if you'll talk to an asshole like me.
don't cry, why are you crying? please don't die. I would cry oceans.
you just don't know.
Date:December 24th, 2006 07:18 pm (UTC)

nothing's all right...

no, you won't care when i die.
you'll probably laugh and say "hah, that idiot who thought i actually cared is gone."
i cried so much last night. i almost hurt myself really bad. i missed you a lot. i was thinking about the good qualities you have and missed them. i missed how you were when we first met. when i didn't know ho much you lied.
i would talk to you...but i thought about it as i almost fucked myself up...i don't hate myself, really. i just hate that i was so easily manipulated and did so many people wrong and let myself be influenced SO much.
but what it comes down to is: i can't trust you. you say you've changed over and over...but in the end you prove that you really haven't changed much. you are still lying to people. still vindictive. maybe you don't even realize it. i want to believe that. i want to believe that you don't realize that your motives are really fucked up. but even if that's true, it doesn't take away how much things hurt.
so, it's probably better that i just forget you.
Date:December 25th, 2006 03:30 am (UTC)

Re: nothing's all right...

yeah, right. of course I won't care. I'm not HUMAN.
I don't know what you want. & I don't care.
well, you don't shit flowers.