|Sep. 13th, 2004 02:01 pm new days, new days.|
hello, space and time. my sociology professor says that every social problem has a time and place. my problems are not wide spread, as a social problem would be, but. it does have a time and a place.
i am really queer. no problem there. its more like my girlfriend who has the problem. she isnt attracted to me. we've been together for 2 years, and 7 months and our sex drives have never ever matched. i admit, i love sex. i'm not obsessive, but i enjoy the passion and the joy that can come from such exertions. the way that i feel when i feel wanted. that EVERYONE feels when the sun of their love's passion is beaming, shining upon the beautifully naked skin.
so this problem with her and me is not new. other than that issue, we are as different as oil and water. initially, this was what attracted me to her. the mystery, excitement of someone who was entirely foreign. i loved that. but that isn't so good anymore. or useful, or the reality of now. she is no longer a mystery, just a stubborn girl who is afraid of her body. god, i wished i had seen through this, long ago.
i have wanted to leave for some time, but i am job-less and have no where to live.
now, wait. this makes me sound like a heart-less parasite, a leech on a loving woman's leg. and it is true. 'lou' loves me. in her way. i've had enough of feeling ugly. i dont remember the last time i felt her looking at me and wanting me. its debilitating. I used to be so confident and easy. yes, some of it was a ruse, but at least i used to be able to fake it.
to pull my trembling heart off the sawdust-floor and ask to dance with women i would never usually talk to. At least before, i didnt feel beautiful, but it didnt hurt so much to not feel beautiful.
there is a reason. the next entry.
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